Justice Bird: The Facts Behind the Truth
Justice Bird is not perfect. In the past, he was known to smoke, drink, and chase loose women. In fact, his favorite saying used to be “Hey, everyone, let’s go smoke, drink, and chase loose women!”
Those days are in the past.
Now, every guy wants to be him, and every girl wants to be with him. Here’s why:
Justice Bird can hold his breath for 4 minutes. He invented the technique of blowing on Nintendo games to get them to work properly, and he is pen pals with Mikhail Gorbechev. He is an expert in the occult, soviet naval doctrine, and the breeding habits of polar bears. He once explained quantum mechanics to his 5 year old cousin, and she got most of it.
He’s won ping pong games in China , cliff diving tournaments in Jamaica , and hot dog eating contests in the United States
He’s run with the bulls in Pamplona , swam with salmon in Vancouver
For Halloween, he always dresses up as something that is both cute and scary, but never trashy. He has stopped at least 3 mobs of lemmings from killing themselves.
He has made women swoon in Argentina , cry in Brazil , and faint in Greece
He is unflappable and poised.
He invented a brilliant system to quantify and predict earthquakes, but he was good buddies with Chucky Richter, so he kept quiet. He expects the unexpected, predicts the unpredictable, and foresees the unforeseeable. He likes learning about sharks.
He can read a barometer, identify cloud formations, and tell what time it is just by glancing at the sun, or the moon, or, just the pitch black sky. Getting caught in the rain does not faze him. He can cook and bake, simultaneously.
He can discuss South Korea
He’s courted danger and flirted with disaster, but never dated.
He can hear a field mouse pee on cotton from 200 yards, see a tick blink from 100, and feel a flea pass wind from 10. He has excellent credit. He can read NFL defenses, Egyptian hieroglyphics, and his grandfather’s messy cursive with equal ease.
He has never experienced a side effect from a prescription. Not even once. He has leapt from a car onto a train, and from a train onto a car. When he whistles, horses come from all around.
He is ambidextrous and savvy, and he has never written down a password, ever. He can spell luau, bankruptcy, liaison, and daiquiri, and knows the definition of facetious, ecumenical, pedantic, and pernicious. He discreetly praises employees to their managers on a routine basis. He has the patent on the spork, and tried to get one for the waterbed.
He has been attacked by a bear and made a crocodile nervous. He has befriended a beaver. He has hotwired heavy machinery during an emergency, and in times of stress, his heart rate actually falls.
When shaking hands, he holds on to the other persons hand until he knows the color of their eyes.
He has won bets. He has jumped over waterfalls, off bridges, and onto horses. He’s leaped over a small creek. He believes that to know all is to forgive all, and that one can tell the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.
He can throw his voice and read lips, but not at the same time. Once, at a barbecue, he let Larry Bird beat him in a game of HORSE, just so that they'd stay friends. He has good study skills. As a courtesy to those behind him, he never stands on his tippy toes at sporting events, concerts, graduations, or parades.
He loves rolling around in warm laundry, and usually has a revelation or two while he’s doing it. He always tries to leave a room cleaner than when he found it. In life, he doesn’t keep score.
He likes to playfully banter, and never rolls his eyes. He yearns. He’s escaped from handcuffs, quicksand, a communist prison camp, and a makeshift jail cell in a deserted warehouse.
His grandfather invented Cliff Notes. Justice Bird is even more succinct.
He wishes success to the lover, honor to the brave, health to the sick, and freedom to the slave. He has had epiphanies out of spite.
He has sat on playground bullies, corporate boards, and mountain tops. Once, when thinking about pirates and dinosaurs, he accidentally came up with a plan to save Social Security. He can wink, sort of.
His inner light shines so brightly, moths are attracted to him. He shoos them away, gently. He has never been accused of mumbling. He doesn’t do little white lies; if he lies, it’s out of necessity, and it’s a whopper.
He has planned his funeral. He has written a children’s book and is involved in charities. He’s underwritten IPOs, is friends with his old professors, and can recite poetry. He has memorized the United States
When he’s with a friend who is pumping gas, he always gets out of the car, too.
He has been called mysterious, tenacious, and vivacious, in all 30 major dialects of Punjabi. He has set bones and given CPR, and once, during an opera, he performed an emergency tracheotomy. The singer finished her performance.
His favorite pastime is being chased.
He has studied Buddhism under the Dalai Lama, Catholicism under the Pope, and has trained a dolphin. He has won debates at Oxford and Cambridge North Atlantic and too cold in the South Pacific. He has flossed every single day since 1987.
He has snatched victory from the jaws of defeat and a baby squirrel from the jaws of a Rottweiler. He has never lost a game of Monopoly. He once performed an impromptu yo-yo demonstration for the King of Morocco. He works hard.
He likes to say “delicious” before the name of a food. (For example, “Would you like a delicious strawberry?” or, “are you going to eat that delicious piece of steak?”)
He loves making forts. Children adore him, the middle-aged admire him, and the elderly trust him. Teenagers confide in him. Once, while hiking, and far from town, he sucked the poison from a rattlesnake that was bitten by another rattlesnake.
He then sucked the poison from himself, after being bitten by both rattlesnakes.
He can tell a wire’s voltage just by glancing at it, really quickly. He is lively, spirited, and clever. Of the 211 different kinds of knots that exist, he can tie over 220.
He has gambled in Macau, partied in Munich , and gotten lost in Machu Picchu
He has testified before congress. He has gone cave diving in Southeast Asia, and been treasure hunting in Northwest Europe . He enjoys being threatened.
He is the only one in the world who actively tries to avoid stepping on worms when it’s raining outside.
He is quick, but does not hurry. He is slow to judge. When angry, he writes critical letters, and then burns them. He has kissed the Blarney Stone and taken award winning photographs. He has slept in a haunted house, alone. He did not become possessed.
When he says “maybe,” he actually means it. He does not mean “no.”
When conversing, he always talks in terms of the other person’s interests. He is a championship bridge player. When he sees soldiers in the airport, he shakes their hand and thanks them. He never steps on enthusiasm.
He has never felt anxious, worried, nervous, or apprehensive. When people talk about these emotions, he just nods respectfully. He can play 41 games of chess at the same time, while blindfolded. He has never been outworked.
He has infiltrated a street gang of pool boys, and has two black American Express cards. He knows that the secret to life is realizing that some things are in our control and others are not. He is a brilliant conversationalist, a celebrated author, and an exceptional racquetball player. He likes fudgsicles.
He has spoken in rhyming couplets for an entire month.
Of the two times someone has crash-landed a plane and hosted a cocktail party on the same day, he has done it both times. In 2nd grade, he could pick out the topic sentence without even reading the paragraph. Being bored sharpens his focus.
He can isolate every individual muscle in his body, and flex each one independently. When he transfers laundry from the dryer to his basket, nothing ever hits the floor. Not even socks. He has charged a bull, bitten a dog, and stung a scorpion. He remembers the birthday of everyone he has ever met. He can sneeze with his eyes open.
He owns a bed and breakfast in Vermont , a ranch in Texas , and a casino in Nevada
He calls people by their name. He does not say, “Hey, you.”
He has Galileo’s vision, Churchill’s confidence, Gandhi’s patience, and Marciano’s jaw. Sleep deprivation makes him more alert. His backup plans have multiple redundancies.
He is practical but imaginative; pragmatic, but idealistic. He sees well in the dark. When given morphine, his pain tolerance actually decreases. He is a master of propositional logic and can find a pattern in a single digit.
His right hook can throw a jab.
He always uses time effectively. When he’s waiting in line, he flexes his abs, then his butt. He has composed a small limerick out of a giant haiku and a giant haiku out of a small limerick.
He is the only one to have ever been adrift at sea without being thirsty. He sings in Italian, hums in French, and laughs in Spanish.
He has never been shocked, spooked, startled, or surprised. He has been taken aback, twice.
He has a photographic memory that’s high-def. When he remembers things, they’re actually better and more vivid than when he lived through them the first time.
He has made a fire without matches, a shelter without branches, and a walking stick without wood. He has built a raft out of rocks.
The last time he got sick to his stomach was never.
He has not had a blog.
Until now.
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